I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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