Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
