even my farts smell like vagina
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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