Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
