he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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