do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
