I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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