I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
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You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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