Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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