you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize
