I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
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