I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
