tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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