i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
