I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
