sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
