Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
