I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
