I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
