I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Randomize
