my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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