Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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