Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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