I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
