There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
