FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
