Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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