I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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