the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
