great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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