well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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