TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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