I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You dont lie about slip and slides
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
