Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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