I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
