i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
