Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
