I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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