So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
