I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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