Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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