I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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