4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
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