I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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