My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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