it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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