The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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