Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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