I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
