i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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