i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
