I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
