I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Randomize
