Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
