He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
