Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
