i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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