I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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