Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
